Apps Needed ~ ASAP!

To all you tech-savy, 20-somethings out there, I would like you to develop the following cellphone apps for me ASAP:

an app that signals loudly to warn me that I am about to cross the path of a bicyclist either riding illegally on the sidewalk or against traffic in the street

an app that randomly generates fictitious names for me to give to baristas that also stores the name so that when I pick up my order I can remember the name I used

an app that will map out for me a way to get from one address in Manhattan to another so that I will be under street scaffolding and therefore protected from rain and snow for the entire trip

an app that will store the exact location of the 'safe place' in my apartment in which I have just put something that needs to be kept in a safe place

an app that enables my phone to surreptiously take a picture of every new person I meet and store it along with that person's name

an app that tells me the ATM closest to my current location that will allow me to withdraw cash without fees

an app that correctly identifies the sex of babies I am cooing over before I put my foot in my mouth

and most important, an app that temporarily disables the cellphones of anyone within a 15 foot radius